DRS Deadball Radio Show Episode 1 - Jesse Ryder sketch/Tony Grieg Tribute/County Season Preview

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A Christmas present from me : Foreclosingbritain - The Killing Series 33

Ext. An abandoned factory. Night. Flashlight picks out plumpish figure in xmas jumper it is Cameron as Danish detective Sarah Lund.

LUND

Brock?

Nick Clegg as Brock - former lover of Lund hoping to rekindle old flame

BROCK

Hey you got the jumper - horsehair?

LUND

Dunno - it is quite soft ...it does have a whiff of the bordello about it?

BROCK

I meant as in Rebekka Brooks' ex-policehorse?

LUND

Well they'll flog secrets to press but let me say this : that's still rather a strong word...Thanks for sending Andrew Mitchell that folding bike.

BROCK

It wasn't supposed to be folding - how odd. I left it with his policeman friend outside...so another killing of another high st business - Comet eh?

LUND

Are we gonna arrest Darling again?

BROCK

We've already charged him three times - we can't go on blaming him for crimes he wasn't even in office for.

LUND

I will say this: don't be so sure about that. What about Farage?

BROCK

Can't be he would never be in a Danish show he loathes all foreign culture - by that he means anything invented since the 1950s like gay people or immigrants

LUND

What does Brix say?

BROCK

He is waiting for authorisation - look we think we've got Mr Big - the man behind the killing of the economy and the welfare state: Osborne's in the car. He's confessed but we can't prove it...where'd you get that gun?

LUND

Gove's got loads of spares. He's gonna use them when he drives past schools shooting Art teachers.

LUND shoots Osborne

BROCK (agitated)

Lund what have you done? Think Brock ...quick take this money - it's a tax rebate from Starbucks he had it in his back pocket... haven't counted it yet - he let them choose the amount... then get as quick as you can to Iceland

LUND

Because they don't have an extradition treaty with UK

BROCK

No cos if you don't get there sharpish they'll probably close down soon like everything else...

 

651 special: Instashrine

Pointless killing in your area which can be crowbarred by medyah into crude narrative of of wider decline of society which works on a childlke level but falls apart upon closer analysis - Golden Age of childhood running free in demi-Eden has same relationship to real world as Golden Wonder is to food? Need to erect a memorial to serve as both background for near strangers to emote for camera, ensuring 15 nanoseconds of fame among school gate drinking sorority and stage set for recent Oxbridge graduate to use newsreader's name while waving hands about like an arthritic mime artist? 
Call instashrine. Our library of poorly spelt, pre- run ink notes (swet angle, RPI), badly scanned photos from our library, burning candle effect electric lights and plastic flowers/ teddy bear mix (sold by weight - 1 ton or 5 ton ) and skilfully handwritten book of condolence will do the job. Unlike our rivals we will gradually add to the mountain with our shrine loader which releases more soft toys and bouquets; this can be preset to between 2-48 hours by whioch time the medyah have moved on to next story. We can also arrange scandal around shrine - stealing of random dolls - which might yield a minute or two on local bulletins/ rags
Instashrine - because you're worth it now you're dead but weren't while you lived

651 Special Shuffle the Pack

This thread will be about politics - yeah that stuff that dictates our lives - sort of governs it...bring me your poorly formed ideologies, your hungry minds yearning to be free. Cabinet shuffles - why bother when you've got bought a dire pack of cards I say which got me thinking about the old deck of cards song and how that would work for the Cameron Crowers so picture Dave explaining his relaunch to his cabinet. Unwraps fresh pack of cards, discards joker ( well he's not goona give Boris an opening is he?). So I'm feeling flush in me suit...

First we have the Ace of Clubs - can only be the Bullingdon; huzza huzza 3 times round the quad with your kecks round your ankles and smack Gideon's buttocks with the ceremonial spoon

Next the Two of Spades - reminds me of two results for same performance at GCSE English depending on Jan/ June - he really is the Gove -nor

Three - of red tape, restrictive burdens on business which stop them growing; we have dealt with this by removing demand - if we keep going this might save the green belt too

Four - of spades for all the shovel ready projects we have if only we can get the banks lending...what's that? Yes technically we own the banks but...

Five - Hearts thanks to rail fare increases there now at least five marginal seats in Herts

Six - ty five we can't go on paying ourselves huge pensions - present company / MPs excepted of course

Seven - ties minority governments - ah the grandeur of Heath and his legacy - Wilson

Eight - ies levels of Unemployment without the North Sea Oil

Nine - Mrs Merkel we won't join your euro but will underwrite its rescue...

Ten - sion in the coalition so 

Jack - it in everyone says maybe they're right even the

Queen - and as for 

King - Mervyn flipping miseryguts demotivational speaker 

Here pick a card, any card, put it back in the pack - now the card you chose Gideon was the Hanged Man - Tarot and Ta- ra

 

Gideon Osborne as Hamlet Clown Prince

Plan B or more QE that is the $14tn question; whether tis a no brainer to my mind

To utter things that narrow down the outraged Fortune 500 to 5

Or give alms to HSBC in a double dip and by appeasing befriend them.

Corfe Castle in the Rain

Setting orff to Corfe Castle in the rain, heritage town on a heritage train

Stories of crecy agincourt - all about the hundred years war

History should be more than a photo op or a posh soap opera backdrop

Steam and Cream teas are fine on this old railway line

Our chief exports overseas are our jobs and industries

 the devon belle coach on its plate says this was  lincoln made

Bagnall, Baguely, Beyer Peacock all made locos and rolling stock

That's just the Bs now Bombardier loses work to the rhine and ruhr

Why do we accept decline when the story of this railway line

Shows one way we could be building jobs and industry

Croydon Urbanal

Plenty of pastoral songs but very few praising the suburbs so this is my attempt to address the perceived shortfall

Rise up ye citizens for the morn is upon us with all its challenges and exceptions and thrusts upon us its light

She disburses her contnet , discharges her burthen

Innit bruv

Who will challenge the plutocracy of taste but you, my Champion of the oppressed, my Lunar House

Where Liberty's statue can pull up her sleeping bag and join its poor, its hungry its yearning to be free

Low, true dat

Instr.